somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
