You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
