i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
