I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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