Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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