I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
