My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
