life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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