I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
