I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
