Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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