I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
