Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
