So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
