Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
