epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
