??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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