My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
