dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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