tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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