Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm just crazy horny about you
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
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