Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
