Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
