I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
