i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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