so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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