sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
