Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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