Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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