i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
