You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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