i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
