Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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