I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
