I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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