im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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