my phone needs a breathalizer
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
