we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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