its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize