wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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