dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize