i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize