well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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