I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
