so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
