so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
