sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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