Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
