perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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