I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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