totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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