There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize