Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
