Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
