Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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