My friends, they love my intelligence
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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