Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Say something about gay babies.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize