Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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