I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
