I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
