Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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