I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just threw up on my dentist
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize