You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
