Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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