in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
