Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
