So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i think i just lost a toe
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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