so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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