we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize