I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm both gender and math confused
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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