I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
