i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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